Momentary Consciousness, Fall of '99

My most current difficulties with my illness involve a state which relates to how I experience time. Truly I have had this experience all my life but it has been most acute in the last several years. At best it is a wonderful combination of present moment awareness and sensory experience that I have much of the time. At the worst it is a combination of anxiety, impatience, anticipation, and present moment awareness that is all but unbearable, something very difficult to describe that I call momentary consciousness. In its more innocent form I will be reaching for a cup and the moment before I touch the cup will be frozen in time for me while at the same time I will continue moving to touch the cup and then that moment will be frozen and I will be frozen again until I have a sensation of endless moments that feel like they never end but yet they still move in time, and then I stand up, distract myself and its over. But if that doesn't work the moments still freeze and drag, they pile up upon each other, making it difficult to move, depression and anxiety immediately set in, making it even more difficult to move but move I must because movement is the only antidote, movement of my body to get my mind off the mind-boggling movement and non-movement of time. This will go on for a few moments, a few hours, a few days, or a few months. It constantly feels like it is instantly going to end but then it never ends, it simply has to fade and dissipate into the back of my consciousness. That is why I think it never leaves me. When I am conscious of it, it is unbearable; I simply must constantly shuffle about trying to distract my mind or sporadically try to sleep which is only barely possible and then only for an hour of two at a time. I fear I cannot make it clear what this feels like so maybe a metaphor is in order. Suppose you are walking down a street, on a normal sidewalk and suddenly the very instant before your forward foot touches it, the sidewalk crumbles away, revealing a chasm beneath it. Imagine you are suspended in that moment forever, not falling, not touching anything with your foot but knowing there is nothing there but feeling your body slowly and inexorably fall into nothing but yet at the same time not really moving and knowing it is all totally illogical but there is nothing you can do about it. Each moment is your last moment but yet it is not and there is another moment but yet there is not and each is an eternity and an instant at the same time and it drags on forever, or so it seems. That's the best I can do for the layman, but for those familiar with psychology I offer another. Imagine two strict Rogerian psychologists counseling each other, each absolutely certain the other is right on the verge of a major break through. Extend that moment out forever. Those familiar with mathematics or physics might see it as the physical equivalent of the near ultimate points of a parabola. So near but yet so far and always nearer but at the same time infinitely far away and paradoxically as close as possible and as far away as possible, forever. Perhaps the most successful of my descriptions might be that for the philosopher. I seem to experience paradoxes of time in single moments. I experience the present moment and the passage of time and the infinity of time all at the same “time.” It is excruciating. All I can say is that ime dooes have all three elements, present moment, passage of time and infinte future, if my experience means anything. I am incoherant on time past, though the moment most recently past does seem to hang around a bit before it dissolves into nothing.
There is another element to this phenomena. If I can relax in it a bit, center myself, I feel a spiritual sense. A gentle presence sustaining me. As I lay in bed on these endless nights, it helps to repeat a couple of prayers I know well. The Gloria used in the Catholic mass, a beautiful prayer:
Glory to God in the highest
and peace to His people on earth.
Lord God, heavenly King,
Almighty God and Father.
We worship you, we give you thanks,
We praise you for your glory.
Lord Jesus Christ, only son of the Father.
Lord God, Lamb of God,
you take away the sins of the world,
have mercy on us.
You are seated at the right hand of the father,
receive our prayer.
For you alone are the Holy One,
you alone are the Lord,
you alone are the Most High,
Jesus Christ.
With the Holy Spirit in theglory of God the Father,
Amen

The other prayer I know as the Prayer for Protection:
In the name of Jesus I take authority and I bind
all powers and forces in the air
in the water, in the underground,
in nature and in fire.
You are the Lord over the entire universe
and I give you the glory for your creation.
In your name I bind all demonic forces
that have come against us and our families
and I seal all of us in the protection of
your precious blood that was shed for us on the cross.
Mary, our Mother, we seek your protection and intercession
with the Sacred Heart of Jesus, for us and our families
and surround us with your mantle of love to discourage the enemy.
Saint Michael and our guardian angels
come defend us and our families in battle
against all the evil ones that roam the earth.
In the name of Jesus, I bind and command
all the powers and forces of evil
to depart right now
away from us, our homes and our lands,
and we thank you Lord Jesus,
for you are a faithful and compassionate God.

I know not if the latter prayer has any efficacy in spiritual protection, but it has been my mantra for years and I cherish it. It has become a prayer of worship for me.

With these two prayers running through my head I feel in constant contact with God and this relieves my anxiety as well as distracts my mind from the state it is in.
Recently i was in this state for several weeks and came to the point where I felt i could just not take it any more. I decided to check into the mental ward. I heard a voice in my head say, “Wait until 7:00” That was quite some time away, to far away. I called my couselor, told her my plans. She gently said I could endure. I told what the voice had said. She said, “Well then, wait until 7:00” I waited, it was excriciating, but I waited. At 7:00 the state began to gently recede and I felt a gentle peace. I slept well for the first time in weeks. I don’t claim to understand this. But I learned patience and perseverance, and a trust in my God’s mercy.