i preface the following statements by saying that i am not extraordinary in my abilities.
most people are capable of doing what i do, they are simply not aware of it.
i am, in a sense, not aware of much that i do
it is simply too much for the conscious mind too endure.
my mental health record is proof of that.
with maturity, however; has come a balance in and perspective on my mind.
i accept the fact that i have no control
all i can do is pray that my conscious acts are in tune with the divine that dwells in all of us
i share a common consciousness with everyone
the one thing that makes me different
is that when i am able to cooperate with that divine consciousness
really good things happen.
things that people want or don't want, expect or don't expect, things nobody heard of or hears of.
wonderful things,seen or unseen,
that probably wouldn't happen if i didn't link my conscious will
with the divine will.
all people of good conscience attempt to do this, and succeed up to a point
i am simply more successful because the barriers to my subconscious were long ago torn down.
i stress that i have no control.
should i attempt to do anything outside the divine will,
i take a step toward madness.
this is the necessary paradox.
if i attempt to take control i loose control of my mind.
it loses the tenuous hold it has on reality.
if i give up control i maintain my loosely held grip.
i feel, sense pressure, vibration, temperature, density and waves.
air pressure
sound waves
chemical makeup
I sense brain wave patterns
i read them as speech and emotions
i predict future events by sensing patterns in brain waves
of people involved in situations.
i am@89% accurate in predicting outcome of series of events
where conclusion is less than 40% arbitrary.
I assign values by comparing outcomes over time.
i do not forget.
I choose not to recall what is not relevant in my opinion.
this makes me look dumb but I think clearly.
I read subconscious thought. this often conflicts with conscious thought but generally coincides with behaviour as I see it.
my senses seem to perceive the ”real world” and the souls who occupy it
very differently than anyone I have ever met.
i cannot be certain as I can gain no perspective on this.
I am generally very objective.
my behavior therefore often runs counter to the conscious
and stated expectations of others.
I do, however; mesh very well with the deeper motivations and desires of others.
this is not always consciously appreciated
but is always subconsciously approved of.
this generally surfaces as respect of my position
if not conscious agreement.
i heal minds, hearts and relationships.
i also heal places and things.
this is all due to my ability to consciously and subconsciously
to cooperate with the spirit of God that dwells in all creation but mostly in the subconscious mind of man.
i gained this ability when i was subjected to satanic ritual
abuse as a child.
in order to survive the multi-level trauma,
my mind broke down the barriers between my subconscious mind and my conscious mind.
what once were a series of barriers to protect my conscious mind
is now a continuum that i slide precariously along.
what has saved me has been my Christian faith
and my Yaqui heritage.
the combination is not necessarily compatible but has sufficed.
i live.
cross dressing and dual sexuality is deeply ingrained in the Yaqui tradition going back at least to the aztecs
much of my crossdressing is of a ritual nature these days
involving healing of people, places or things.
or myself
all have spirit ,all need healing sometimes.
this does not conflict with my faith.
Jesus and the apostles drove demons from people, places, and things.
Jesus said those who had faith could do these things and many others.
he also said not to rejoice in such abilities but be happy that God loves you.
The Yaqui way is a facet of the Chistian jewel.
Yaqui give all things to the Maker
Yaqui do not question why
Yaqui accept all things, live in all worlds the same way,
walking with the Maker.
Some have perverted this to "new age"
this new thing is an old way of making a good thing bad.
take a good thing and take the Maker out of it and put man in his place.
then the good thing is bad.
i give all power, responsibility, and credit to the spirit of God.
i make few choices of my own and then only if the Lord makes me.
i turn all of my time, energy, even my body over to the spirit.
i constantly pray and test the spirit to be sure i am not misled.
Fourty five years of practice have made me very wary and expert.
i am not always conscious of the spiritual ramifications of my actions but i no longer doubt them.
a step here, a word there, a dance, a blow to a wall, a whistle, even a smile can all have consequences.
i no longer try to figure any of it out.
when i know i'm on track, i know.
but i know only approximately 8.25% of the time.
the rest of the time is Grace.
my mind records all sensory input
including weather patterns,
chemical breakdowns and thought patterns.
information deficits are self imposed
in order to better function.
i naturally retain too much to process.
it is overwhelming.
i see the consequences of most actions.
it is overwhelming.
at the age of thirteen i attempted to make myself deaf.
i aquired tinitus.i no longer have perfect pitch
i'm glad.
at the age of fifteen i cut off the tips of two fingers,
at the age of twenty seven, the tip of my thumb.
i have also built up heavy calouses on my hands.
i now have 32% less sensory input from my hands.
i'm glad.
i don't see as well as i used to.
17% less useable visual input.
OK
processing is 8% slower
don't care
29.5 pounds over optimum weight
too bad
i can manipulate my metabolism, body chemistry, etc.
by diet, activity level, light exposure, etc.
so what.
i'm pretty much just an average guy
with a terrible gift
that up to now has done him no good.
God willing, things will be different now.
sensory input now equals capacity.
thank God.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Look At Him
Look at him.
(people have always looked at me)
He has every gift God can give
and he's wasted it all.
And now he expects other people
get him out of the mess
he's made of his life?
Let him dig down deep and
do it himself,
it'll be good for him,
make a man out of him.
Look at him. Walking down the street,
seems distracted, but smiles and stops to say something to a family passing by.
See, there, in the parietal lobe,
a vision of that man He is talking to,
why its the man's penis grown long enough for him to stuff it in His mouth.
And scenes of old women and children being raped.
Doesn't seem to phase him.
Hmmm, he looks OK, placid even, sad, but OK.
Hmmm. look there in the central sulcus,
pain in his rectum and chest, all he is doing is reading.
Whats the book, something about PTSD.
Oh my, doesn't he look good today,
better looking as he ages, I think.
Look there, in the amigdala,
fear, fear of being noticed,
singled out, different, chosen, used
wow, that triggers more fear,
memories from all over, some clear and distinct, some unclear.
"MMMM you have such a great bod" she said.
Sex, she wants sex.
Fear, panic, desire, anxiety, lots of stimulation.
She's looking at me, her hands are everywhere
but she doesn't really see me,
know me, understand me,
Used. Ok, lots of stuff here.
What do you mean, he's going with the flow like a pro.
OK, but there's lots of stuff...
OK, OK, he was doin great, but ED, ED...
Lots of memories, clarity variation,
Holy sh__! He's scooting out the back door
leaving that hot blonde hot and heavy.
Just because I look the way I do,
everyone thinks I'm some sort of stud,
that all I want out of life is sex,
I go with the flow as usual, but...
Look at him,
he's got it all,
made the team as walk on,
he'll be number two behind the senior all conference whip LB,
Get plenty of playing time, get a scholarship
Start next year, or this year if the number one goes down.
And the women...
Uh Oh, look amino acid uptake is critically low
he's clinical,
Ah, c'mon, look at him, he's fine.
No, sleep patterns disturbed,
anxiety depression cycle...
All my life, long as I can remember,
I never let anybody know what was really going on inside,
I got really good at it,
No one can by looking,
and I find I simply can't talk about it coherently,
would mean too much attention.
Momentary consciousness {see blog page},
anxiety, depression.
Evil, everything is evil.
Spirits, demons everywhere.
I sense them, I battle them,
with my spirit, my right parietal lobe.
the rest of my brain goes on as usual...
Look at him, he's fine,
workin' like a champ, been here six weeks
and he's running his own crew.
The wind draws one into a black hole,
unless you have the will to resist the madness.
Then came the voices,
and the interior world
grew to be more real than the exterior.
Constant delusion on a grand scale,
my perceptions, the evidence of my senses is the illusion,
the voice and the world it creates are the reality.
But why don't you ever tell anyone?
The words don't form in my mouth,
I reherse them often in my mind
but they won't come out.
Maybe something about PTSD and apraxia.
Look at him,
what a waste.
And the dreams.
I am back with my first wife, the abuser.
Some bazaar, fantastic scenario,
it becomes wilder, more menacing, more surreal, more complex, more evil...
I am trapped with unbearable evil...until it reaches the point where I simply cannot take it any longer...
and the scenario changes, still just as bazaar and evil,
but somehow the the change makes it bearable and the cycle repeats,
over and over, each scenario somehow worst than the last.
I awake in the very early morning, I feel psychotic,
anxiety, fear, reality is unclear, not to be trusted, unstable.
I stay awake until dawn, then try to sleep.
(people have always looked at me)
He has every gift God can give
and he's wasted it all.
And now he expects other people
get him out of the mess
he's made of his life?
Let him dig down deep and
do it himself,
it'll be good for him,
make a man out of him.
Look at him. Walking down the street,
seems distracted, but smiles and stops to say something to a family passing by.
See, there, in the parietal lobe,
a vision of that man He is talking to,
why its the man's penis grown long enough for him to stuff it in His mouth.
And scenes of old women and children being raped.
Doesn't seem to phase him.
Hmmm, he looks OK, placid even, sad, but OK.
Hmmm. look there in the central sulcus,
pain in his rectum and chest, all he is doing is reading.
Whats the book, something about PTSD.
Oh my, doesn't he look good today,
better looking as he ages, I think.
Look there, in the amigdala,
fear, fear of being noticed,
singled out, different, chosen, used
wow, that triggers more fear,
memories from all over, some clear and distinct, some unclear.
"MMMM you have such a great bod" she said.
Sex, she wants sex.
Fear, panic, desire, anxiety, lots of stimulation.
She's looking at me, her hands are everywhere
but she doesn't really see me,
know me, understand me,
Used. Ok, lots of stuff here.
What do you mean, he's going with the flow like a pro.
OK, but there's lots of stuff...
OK, OK, he was doin great, but ED, ED...
Lots of memories, clarity variation,
Holy sh__! He's scooting out the back door
leaving that hot blonde hot and heavy.
Just because I look the way I do,
everyone thinks I'm some sort of stud,
that all I want out of life is sex,
I go with the flow as usual, but...
Look at him,
he's got it all,
made the team as walk on,
he'll be number two behind the senior all conference whip LB,
Get plenty of playing time, get a scholarship
Start next year, or this year if the number one goes down.
And the women...
Uh Oh, look amino acid uptake is critically low
he's clinical,
Ah, c'mon, look at him, he's fine.
No, sleep patterns disturbed,
anxiety depression cycle...
All my life, long as I can remember,
I never let anybody know what was really going on inside,
I got really good at it,
No one can by looking,
and I find I simply can't talk about it coherently,
would mean too much attention.
Momentary consciousness {see blog page},
anxiety, depression.
Evil, everything is evil.
Spirits, demons everywhere.
I sense them, I battle them,
with my spirit, my right parietal lobe.
the rest of my brain goes on as usual...
Look at him, he's fine,
workin' like a champ, been here six weeks
and he's running his own crew.
The wind draws one into a black hole,
unless you have the will to resist the madness.
Then came the voices,
and the interior world
grew to be more real than the exterior.
Constant delusion on a grand scale,
my perceptions, the evidence of my senses is the illusion,
the voice and the world it creates are the reality.
But why don't you ever tell anyone?
The words don't form in my mouth,
I reherse them often in my mind
but they won't come out.
Maybe something about PTSD and apraxia.
Look at him,
what a waste.
And the dreams.
I am back with my first wife, the abuser.
Some bazaar, fantastic scenario,
it becomes wilder, more menacing, more surreal, more complex, more evil...
I am trapped with unbearable evil...until it reaches the point where I simply cannot take it any longer...
and the scenario changes, still just as bazaar and evil,
but somehow the the change makes it bearable and the cycle repeats,
over and over, each scenario somehow worst than the last.
I awake in the very early morning, I feel psychotic,
anxiety, fear, reality is unclear, not to be trusted, unstable.
I stay awake until dawn, then try to sleep.
"My" Life
Prayer of Thomas Merton
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
“My” life, it’s not really about me. I, we, are placed here on earth, by God, to love and serve Him. This is my, our, purpose for living. This mostly consists of loving, helping, serving each other and loving and caring for the earth, according to the will of God, by the power of the Holy Spirit. Simply put, “my” life is about God. Trouble is, we generally get this all screwed up, one way or another. If we’re not taught this purpose (perhaps we skipped class that decade of our life) or we try to ignore this purpose, we search restlessly through our life, trying to fill the vacancy left by our missing purpose. Perhaps we stumble through a messy, empty life, at a loss as to what we’re here for, or perhaps we charge through a “successful” life, only to end up lost and empty. Even if we were paying attention and know loving and serving God is our purpose, we often leave out the part about “the will of God” and “the power of the Holy Spirit.” Then we run off, confusing God’s will with our will and/or the power of the Holy Spirit with our “power”, and either fall flat on our face, wondering why God has forsaken us, or we build a mighty temple of our own power and will (this is the scary part) and draw people to ourselves instead of God. Well, God has this way of making pretty much everything turn out for the better in the end, even if we can’t see it, so these paths and their many variations can all lead to God’s purpose, but we can save ourselves and our loved ones some serious heartaches by getting it right in the first place. I say this at the age of fifty, looking back over what I thought was a largely misspent life, doing everything the hard, wrong way, making mistakes at every turn, I felt like a walking disaster; but my heart was usually in the right place and somehow, this great God, this tender, loving, intimate yet infinite God, somehow He made it good. However, I do not recommend such a path. I am told I should have no regrets, I have thousands. I am told there is no such thing as a mistake, its all spiritual learning. Let me tell you, I did make mistakes, lots of them, that caused myself and others pain, lots of pain. The fact that God is able to turn such a mess into something good, does not turn the original wrong to right, does not justify all the pain. It is a testament to God’s power, God’s love, God’s care that all turns out well, it does not mean it was all good at the time it occurred, at times it was hell and Satan himself seemed to shine his eerie red light through my life and this was wrong. Though I often prayed, God was not the center of my life, I did not seek to do His will but for Him to justify mine, and there was much power thrown about but there was little that was holy in it. We have free will, God’s terrible gift, God’s precious curse. And we misuse it. If “it’s all good”, then pain, that sign something is wrong, that gut-soul wrenching agony that gores and rips and tears and scars the heart and mind, would not exist. Pain comes to us through our own faults, but also the faults of others, and also through faults in this world. This world, made perfect by God, but shattered by the misuse of our free will, our power. All pain, all suffering, is in the beginning and in the end, caused by misused will and power, lack of or misshapen love, which is fear. I believe these not only tear at our hearts and minds and lead us to harm ourselves and others, I believe it tears at the very fabric of reality, misshaping God’s creation, both Man and Nature. In Genesis, Man is given stewardship of the earth and is told to “subdue it”. I believe this gives us an elemental connection to and power over nature Western civilization has denied. Man is responsible for the evil, the hostility of Nature. We are one body, one spirit, mankind is elementally connected, has a communal life. We are individually responsible for our actions yet they have communal consequences. I do believe in evil, but I believe fear to be the source of all evil. There is an old parable, where a certain animal, the one most universally feared by mankind, one, which ancient superstition has it, is at times able to hypnotize its victims, approaches a woman, mysteriously left alone by the man whose responsibility it was to protect her. Would not this archetypal woman be afraid, perhaps, in some sense, come under this “creature’s” power? Fear is known by psychology to distort our perceptions, our judgment, our very sense of self, and to have communal effects (mass hysteria, for only one) as well as have a profound effect on our physiology. Fear has power over Man; Man has some sort of limited power over Nature. I believe we don’t understand the half of it. Perhaps look it all up, in Genesis and elsewhere, and while you’re at it, ask someone who is into the latest in quantum physics about the nature of “reality.” It seems not to be concrete at all, but to be energy and “empty” space, which is not really empty at all, but full of something our science cannot define. Full of the “stuff” (a much used term in metaphysics) of God? And it seems to be malleable.
The “New Age” and the “Prosperity Gospel” have made much of this. But they’ve gotten the purpose, the will and the power all screwed up. I do believe in positive thinking, its called faith, hope and love. “Six degrees of separation”? One body, one Spirit.
What is the purpose we all need: to love and serve God; how do we know what God’s asking of us: relinquish our will, our lives, totally surrender to the will of God; how do we do this: not by our own power, knowledge, effort, but by the power of the Holy Spirit working through us. But, as Merton says, we can rarely, if ever, be certain we are doing God’s will, (I have met very few people who have been certain of God’s will more than once or twice in long lives, myself included) we must trust God, have faith. How is such faith possible? It is perhaps the most simple, yet the most difficult thing we can do, we must live without fear, which is to love, and step out in faith. The most oft repeated theme in scripture, Christian and otherwise, is “be not afraid, have faith,” or some variation thereof. Still I ask, how is this possible? Purpose, Will, Power, it all boils down to faith. Faith without fear. “Perfect love drives out fear;” but Man is incapable of perfect love, as the Old Testament shows. We are only capable of perfect love through faith in God who loves us with perfect love. Still the question: how such faith? Faith. Not the Lutherian come Calvinist come Protestant faith that “saves” you with its formulaic stamp of approval, once and for all; by which the saved may ask of us all with perfect piety, “Are you saved?” Neither is it the archaic Catholic “faith” of keeping the divine score card of sins against penances, where acts of mercy are done not to help others or even to please God but to rack up the score so as to “win” Heaven. Neither is it the vague Eastern mystical faith in a totally transcendent God whom we gain union with by “practice.” These all have their partial truths and therefore merit, but all reduce God to an observer of our efforts. God has given us the gift of such faith by giving us a friend and brother God, one we can know, in the deepest possible sense of knowing. “…that you, being rooted and grounded in love may have power to comprehend with all the saints, what is the length and breadth and height and depth and to know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God,” (Eph 3). A love, a knowing beyond all knowledge, beyond all space and time, learning and wisdom (the four dimensions), which brings us faith, by the power of God, in the one man-God, Jesus by his Jewish given name (for all the fullness of God dwells in Him), the promised of ages, the answer to the call of Me-ssiiii-ahhhh…which rings out through all the ages of Man to the very moment. But the words are still inadequate. Jesus is faith, faith is Jesus, by whatever name you may call him, if you have a name for him. The one mankind has searched for and waited for since man could be called Man. The Word has been in us, all the time, that still quiet space we so often ignore. But now he is also one we can talk to as one like ourselves. Faith had a body and mind and heart and soul and spirit, like us, had a life like ours (except sin), which he completely gave up for us, for the Purpose, totally obedient to the Will, through the one Power. His Life, the Incarnation, the Word of God made flesh, brought God Himself, face to face, eyelash to eyelash, hand in hand, breathe by breathe, heart to heart, with not just those thick headed disciples, but every one of us. He died, like we all will, he was brought out of death like we all shall be, he is now and will be for all time, the risen Son of God and Son of Man, risen body, heart, mind, soul, spirit, and infinite, intimate God in one and we will be like his risen self one day, “What we shall be has not yet been revealed except that we will be like Him”(1 John). Faith is a person we can talk to, now, really. Not to say it is easy. He spoke in parables to the crowds, explained them to those irritating disciples in private, and it seemed even so, no one really heard him, understood him, until he had died and was risen. Even then they asked him if he was going to restore Israel, even then, they doubted. It took the coming of the Spirit, Christ’s gift to us, his very own Spirit, the Power, for them to really get it, as it does for us. It is very simple, we simply go as best we can to the still quiet place in our heart, our soul, speak to Jesus there, even if we don’t think there is any one there, or there seems too little stillness, not enough quiet. We can tell Him how we feel, anything on our mind, anything bothering us, stuff we feel bad about (that’s a good one, ‘cause it’s probably something he really wants us to get off our heart so He can heal us and forgive us.). We ask Him to send His Spirit to help us, though it is really the Spirit that has gotten us this far, ‘cause whatever it was that got us to thinking about faith or Jesus or God in the first place; the Spirit was right there. We ask Jesus, or God, or the Spirit, whichever one we feel most comfortable with (‘cause they are all the same God; that Trinity thing) what He wants us to do, and we listen, all still and quiet as possible, for as long as we have time for, thank Him, even if we don’t know for sure what we are thanking Him for. We do this every day; take as much time as we can, as often as we can, being as sincere as we can. When we feel comfortable doing it, He really likes it when we tell Him we love Him ‘cause that means we are feeling the love he has had for us since the beginning of time. That’s pretty much all there is to it. We need to remember we’re probably not going to know for sure what God’s will is, He wants us to have faith (that Word again) and trust Him. As we pray the Spirit will gradually teach us how to surrender to the Will of God, that is, if we are open to it, all the time teaching us about Jesus. There is much made of repentance of sin, but as we turn to God, the Spirit makes us aware of our sins, and in His presence; this awareness naturally brings about repentance, sooner or later. Not that it is easy, it is not, I just said it was simple. And just when we think we have cleaned up all that sin, He points out another boatload. [Some people believe God doesn’t listen to the prayers of sinners, if this were true, God would listen to no one, and (pet peeve coming up) I get real… uncomfortable when folks say what God does or doesn’t do. No one knows the mind of God, when we say God only does this, or doesn’t do that, we put limits on God, put Him in a box and one thing I’m real comfortable saying is He fits in no box we can possibly imagine. Any limitation we put on God excludes something or someone, makes God smaller, less loving. Placing limitations on God is something organized religions are really… good at ‘cause it makes God their own, exclusive, private God. Which is impossible. God is Infinite.]
This process requires that we find that stillness in ourselves where Faith, where Jesus dwells. Not easy, but simple.
I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary that one does this in a physically still, quiet place, though with most people it helps. I think it’s more important that it be a place we are comfortable with and feel connected with, grounded, at peace. This may or may not be a still, quiet place, but it will probably be a place we find peace in, and God. It may or may not be our home, it’s often a place somehow connected to nature (directly or indirectly), often a place we feel love. If we don’t have such a place, the Spirit will help us find or create one. Also, we can pray anytime, anywhere, if the idea to pray strikes, be appropriate to your situation, but just do it, even if it’s just a word or two. God likes to check in with us from time to time, and we will want to check in with Him as we grow in Love, too.
Reading Scripture helps a lot, but I don’t recommend starting at page one and just plowing all the way through it. Lots of people try, few make it. For one thing, the Bible is often not chronological, it’s not a novel, its more a collection of books and essays and letters. Besides, we need to be open to what the Spirit is telling us, not necessarily what page we’re on. It’s generally best to take in relatively small chunks, a chapter a day at most, and meditate, pray, spend time with what we’ve read (yes, spend time getting to know the Word). Subscribing to some sort of daily Scripture reading is good. Some denominations have suggested daily readings and lots of organizations put them out. They will often have an interpretation or meditation that can be helpful, but differing interpretations, attitudes, viewpoints, abound. It’s important to ask the Spirit to guide us to one that resonates with us. So, to satisfy my restless heart, the urge for God that I believe is innate to Man, part of our very will to live, I must turn “my” life over to God. But really, how can I say it is “mine” in the first place? I did not create myself, I cannot even draw a single breathe without relying on this mysterious life force within me. This entity I call my “self” exists within “my” body, but is somehow apart from it, therefore not necessarily connected to “reality.” Is anything really mine? I say it is all gift, a gift from God we truly do not know or understand, much less “own.” Modern science has done a great job of explaining the mechanics of our body and even parts of our mind, but cannot touch the reason or the power that originated and sustains life even at simple levels, let alone Man. Some physicists are now saying the basic nature of “reality”, in micro or in macro, may be beyond our capability to fully comprehend. So seek out all kinds of knowledge and wisdom, but know that our life is not our own. Live the Purpose, submit to the Will, humbly receive the Power.
My words are so inadequate. The Word, the Faith, is everything, is “all in all.”
This I believe.
We Love By His Life
by Jon Walker
“I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20, NLT)
When Jesus commands us to do something, he knows we cannot do it unless we are empowered by him – and so he joins his life with the Holy Spirit within us. Thus, “Christ lives in me.”
This new life within will take us where thoughts or feelings never will; it will enable us more than information or willpower ever can. We receive the love and life of Jesus, and he says, “Go and do the same.” As awesome and costly and everlasting as the Gospel is, it’s also this simple: We are transformed by the life of Christ released within us, and now we’re to show and tell others how Christ can live in them.
And isn’t it true that for a while this seems to be the easiest and most natural thing we’ve ever done? We get love from Jesus, and then we turn around and give it away to others.
But then, after a while, we find it more and more difficult. Old habits return. Memories come back, and the emotions attached to them emerge in ways that cause us to stumble or feel defeated.
No matter how hard we try, some days sheer willpower isn’t enough to be the new creation that God says we are. And so we try harder, and things just get worse.
But God is relentless in his command to “love each other in the same way that I have loved you” – personal and up-close, meeting needs of undeserving others, not attacking their faults. This is God driving us away from the self-generated, “try harder” love into his love that is freely given. This is where the Spirit of Love - himself - is able to teach us, “Not I, but Christ.”
We begin to see it is no longer “just I” doing the loving – that would be life under the Law. Success would bring self-commendation; failure would produce self-condemnation.
We learn to say in faith: “I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20, NLT)
What now?
· Personal love – Since God’s love is personal, it must be personalized as us. God’s love becomes personal and meaningful to others when we allow God to touch them through us.
· See the need; don’t criticize it – Oswald Chambers said in My Utmost for His Highest, “God never allows us to see another person at fault so we may criticize them, but only that we might intercede.” Intercessors do not ignore or deny fault or sin; they address the needs behind the faults and the sins. We love one another as God loves us when we come to others not to just take swings, but with prayerful, godly solutions.
[From “The Purpose Driven Life Newsletter, by Jon Walker]
Elder’s Meditation “Hollow bones”
"We are called hollow bones for our people and for anyone else we can help, and we are not supposed to seek power for our personal use and honor."
--Fools Crow, LAKOTA
In order for us to use our power well, we must become a hollow bone. We must prepare ourselves to become a channel. Our channel must be clean before we can use our power well. We must be free of resentments, guilt, shame, anger, self-pity and fear. If these things are in us, we cannot be hollow bones. These things block us from our power. The cleaner we are, the more power we move. We must become a hollow bone so the Creator can use us to do what he wants us to do.
My Creator, remove from me today all resentment, anger, fear, guilt and selfishness. Do not let my weaknesses stand in the way of my usefulness to You. Make me a hollow bone so Your power can flow through me.
Elder’s Meditation “Ownership”
Things will come and things will go. Really, I own nothing, the Creator owns all. Too often I label things as mine. I say this belongs to me, but it really belongs to the Creator. He gives me things to take care of. I need to do the best I can with what I have, with what I know at the time. And when the Creator changes things, I need to let go for His planning is the best.
Oh Great Spirit, today let me do the best I can with what I know, with what I have. Let me experience acceptance of Your will.
[From WhiteBison.org Daily Meditations]
“…He notices everything as he walks, the good work that someone, careless or unfortunate, has let fall on the ground… he goes about his work, putting together or putting back together… knowing that when he was young, the bow, the spear, the knife, the pipe, taught him balance, order and control, but that he no longer needs these things…” (Lakota Sioux)
From “Hanta Yo”, by Ruth Beebe Hill
Col 3-8-17
8 But now you must put them all away: anger, fury, malice, slander, and obscene language out of your mouths. 9 And stop lying to one another, since you have taken off the old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed, for knowledge, in the image of its creator. 11 Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcision and uncircumcision, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free {no divisions, class structure, discrimination, bigotry, self-centeredness}; but Christ is all and in all. 12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. 14 And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. 15 And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, as in all wisdom and insight you teach and admonish one another, singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.
17 And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Eph3-14-21
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with might through his Spirit in the inner man, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have power to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him, who by the power at work within us is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, for ever and ever. Amen.
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
“My” life, it’s not really about me. I, we, are placed here on earth, by God, to love and serve Him. This is my, our, purpose for living. This mostly consists of loving, helping, serving each other and loving and caring for the earth, according to the will of God, by the power of the Holy Spirit. Simply put, “my” life is about God. Trouble is, we generally get this all screwed up, one way or another. If we’re not taught this purpose (perhaps we skipped class that decade of our life) or we try to ignore this purpose, we search restlessly through our life, trying to fill the vacancy left by our missing purpose. Perhaps we stumble through a messy, empty life, at a loss as to what we’re here for, or perhaps we charge through a “successful” life, only to end up lost and empty. Even if we were paying attention and know loving and serving God is our purpose, we often leave out the part about “the will of God” and “the power of the Holy Spirit.” Then we run off, confusing God’s will with our will and/or the power of the Holy Spirit with our “power”, and either fall flat on our face, wondering why God has forsaken us, or we build a mighty temple of our own power and will (this is the scary part) and draw people to ourselves instead of God. Well, God has this way of making pretty much everything turn out for the better in the end, even if we can’t see it, so these paths and their many variations can all lead to God’s purpose, but we can save ourselves and our loved ones some serious heartaches by getting it right in the first place. I say this at the age of fifty, looking back over what I thought was a largely misspent life, doing everything the hard, wrong way, making mistakes at every turn, I felt like a walking disaster; but my heart was usually in the right place and somehow, this great God, this tender, loving, intimate yet infinite God, somehow He made it good. However, I do not recommend such a path. I am told I should have no regrets, I have thousands. I am told there is no such thing as a mistake, its all spiritual learning. Let me tell you, I did make mistakes, lots of them, that caused myself and others pain, lots of pain. The fact that God is able to turn such a mess into something good, does not turn the original wrong to right, does not justify all the pain. It is a testament to God’s power, God’s love, God’s care that all turns out well, it does not mean it was all good at the time it occurred, at times it was hell and Satan himself seemed to shine his eerie red light through my life and this was wrong. Though I often prayed, God was not the center of my life, I did not seek to do His will but for Him to justify mine, and there was much power thrown about but there was little that was holy in it. We have free will, God’s terrible gift, God’s precious curse. And we misuse it. If “it’s all good”, then pain, that sign something is wrong, that gut-soul wrenching agony that gores and rips and tears and scars the heart and mind, would not exist. Pain comes to us through our own faults, but also the faults of others, and also through faults in this world. This world, made perfect by God, but shattered by the misuse of our free will, our power. All pain, all suffering, is in the beginning and in the end, caused by misused will and power, lack of or misshapen love, which is fear. I believe these not only tear at our hearts and minds and lead us to harm ourselves and others, I believe it tears at the very fabric of reality, misshaping God’s creation, both Man and Nature. In Genesis, Man is given stewardship of the earth and is told to “subdue it”. I believe this gives us an elemental connection to and power over nature Western civilization has denied. Man is responsible for the evil, the hostility of Nature. We are one body, one spirit, mankind is elementally connected, has a communal life. We are individually responsible for our actions yet they have communal consequences. I do believe in evil, but I believe fear to be the source of all evil. There is an old parable, where a certain animal, the one most universally feared by mankind, one, which ancient superstition has it, is at times able to hypnotize its victims, approaches a woman, mysteriously left alone by the man whose responsibility it was to protect her. Would not this archetypal woman be afraid, perhaps, in some sense, come under this “creature’s” power? Fear is known by psychology to distort our perceptions, our judgment, our very sense of self, and to have communal effects (mass hysteria, for only one) as well as have a profound effect on our physiology. Fear has power over Man; Man has some sort of limited power over Nature. I believe we don’t understand the half of it. Perhaps look it all up, in Genesis and elsewhere, and while you’re at it, ask someone who is into the latest in quantum physics about the nature of “reality.” It seems not to be concrete at all, but to be energy and “empty” space, which is not really empty at all, but full of something our science cannot define. Full of the “stuff” (a much used term in metaphysics) of God? And it seems to be malleable.
The “New Age” and the “Prosperity Gospel” have made much of this. But they’ve gotten the purpose, the will and the power all screwed up. I do believe in positive thinking, its called faith, hope and love. “Six degrees of separation”? One body, one Spirit.
What is the purpose we all need: to love and serve God; how do we know what God’s asking of us: relinquish our will, our lives, totally surrender to the will of God; how do we do this: not by our own power, knowledge, effort, but by the power of the Holy Spirit working through us. But, as Merton says, we can rarely, if ever, be certain we are doing God’s will, (I have met very few people who have been certain of God’s will more than once or twice in long lives, myself included) we must trust God, have faith. How is such faith possible? It is perhaps the most simple, yet the most difficult thing we can do, we must live without fear, which is to love, and step out in faith. The most oft repeated theme in scripture, Christian and otherwise, is “be not afraid, have faith,” or some variation thereof. Still I ask, how is this possible? Purpose, Will, Power, it all boils down to faith. Faith without fear. “Perfect love drives out fear;” but Man is incapable of perfect love, as the Old Testament shows. We are only capable of perfect love through faith in God who loves us with perfect love. Still the question: how such faith? Faith. Not the Lutherian come Calvinist come Protestant faith that “saves” you with its formulaic stamp of approval, once and for all; by which the saved may ask of us all with perfect piety, “Are you saved?” Neither is it the archaic Catholic “faith” of keeping the divine score card of sins against penances, where acts of mercy are done not to help others or even to please God but to rack up the score so as to “win” Heaven. Neither is it the vague Eastern mystical faith in a totally transcendent God whom we gain union with by “practice.” These all have their partial truths and therefore merit, but all reduce God to an observer of our efforts. God has given us the gift of such faith by giving us a friend and brother God, one we can know, in the deepest possible sense of knowing. “…that you, being rooted and grounded in love may have power to comprehend with all the saints, what is the length and breadth and height and depth and to know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God,” (Eph 3). A love, a knowing beyond all knowledge, beyond all space and time, learning and wisdom (the four dimensions), which brings us faith, by the power of God, in the one man-God, Jesus by his Jewish given name (for all the fullness of God dwells in Him), the promised of ages, the answer to the call of Me-ssiiii-ahhhh…which rings out through all the ages of Man to the very moment. But the words are still inadequate. Jesus is faith, faith is Jesus, by whatever name you may call him, if you have a name for him. The one mankind has searched for and waited for since man could be called Man. The Word has been in us, all the time, that still quiet space we so often ignore. But now he is also one we can talk to as one like ourselves. Faith had a body and mind and heart and soul and spirit, like us, had a life like ours (except sin), which he completely gave up for us, for the Purpose, totally obedient to the Will, through the one Power. His Life, the Incarnation, the Word of God made flesh, brought God Himself, face to face, eyelash to eyelash, hand in hand, breathe by breathe, heart to heart, with not just those thick headed disciples, but every one of us. He died, like we all will, he was brought out of death like we all shall be, he is now and will be for all time, the risen Son of God and Son of Man, risen body, heart, mind, soul, spirit, and infinite, intimate God in one and we will be like his risen self one day, “What we shall be has not yet been revealed except that we will be like Him”(1 John). Faith is a person we can talk to, now, really. Not to say it is easy. He spoke in parables to the crowds, explained them to those irritating disciples in private, and it seemed even so, no one really heard him, understood him, until he had died and was risen. Even then they asked him if he was going to restore Israel, even then, they doubted. It took the coming of the Spirit, Christ’s gift to us, his very own Spirit, the Power, for them to really get it, as it does for us. It is very simple, we simply go as best we can to the still quiet place in our heart, our soul, speak to Jesus there, even if we don’t think there is any one there, or there seems too little stillness, not enough quiet. We can tell Him how we feel, anything on our mind, anything bothering us, stuff we feel bad about (that’s a good one, ‘cause it’s probably something he really wants us to get off our heart so He can heal us and forgive us.). We ask Him to send His Spirit to help us, though it is really the Spirit that has gotten us this far, ‘cause whatever it was that got us to thinking about faith or Jesus or God in the first place; the Spirit was right there. We ask Jesus, or God, or the Spirit, whichever one we feel most comfortable with (‘cause they are all the same God; that Trinity thing) what He wants us to do, and we listen, all still and quiet as possible, for as long as we have time for, thank Him, even if we don’t know for sure what we are thanking Him for. We do this every day; take as much time as we can, as often as we can, being as sincere as we can. When we feel comfortable doing it, He really likes it when we tell Him we love Him ‘cause that means we are feeling the love he has had for us since the beginning of time. That’s pretty much all there is to it. We need to remember we’re probably not going to know for sure what God’s will is, He wants us to have faith (that Word again) and trust Him. As we pray the Spirit will gradually teach us how to surrender to the Will of God, that is, if we are open to it, all the time teaching us about Jesus. There is much made of repentance of sin, but as we turn to God, the Spirit makes us aware of our sins, and in His presence; this awareness naturally brings about repentance, sooner or later. Not that it is easy, it is not, I just said it was simple. And just when we think we have cleaned up all that sin, He points out another boatload. [Some people believe God doesn’t listen to the prayers of sinners, if this were true, God would listen to no one, and (pet peeve coming up) I get real… uncomfortable when folks say what God does or doesn’t do. No one knows the mind of God, when we say God only does this, or doesn’t do that, we put limits on God, put Him in a box and one thing I’m real comfortable saying is He fits in no box we can possibly imagine. Any limitation we put on God excludes something or someone, makes God smaller, less loving. Placing limitations on God is something organized religions are really… good at ‘cause it makes God their own, exclusive, private God. Which is impossible. God is Infinite.]
This process requires that we find that stillness in ourselves where Faith, where Jesus dwells. Not easy, but simple.
I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary that one does this in a physically still, quiet place, though with most people it helps. I think it’s more important that it be a place we are comfortable with and feel connected with, grounded, at peace. This may or may not be a still, quiet place, but it will probably be a place we find peace in, and God. It may or may not be our home, it’s often a place somehow connected to nature (directly or indirectly), often a place we feel love. If we don’t have such a place, the Spirit will help us find or create one. Also, we can pray anytime, anywhere, if the idea to pray strikes, be appropriate to your situation, but just do it, even if it’s just a word or two. God likes to check in with us from time to time, and we will want to check in with Him as we grow in Love, too.
Reading Scripture helps a lot, but I don’t recommend starting at page one and just plowing all the way through it. Lots of people try, few make it. For one thing, the Bible is often not chronological, it’s not a novel, its more a collection of books and essays and letters. Besides, we need to be open to what the Spirit is telling us, not necessarily what page we’re on. It’s generally best to take in relatively small chunks, a chapter a day at most, and meditate, pray, spend time with what we’ve read (yes, spend time getting to know the Word). Subscribing to some sort of daily Scripture reading is good. Some denominations have suggested daily readings and lots of organizations put them out. They will often have an interpretation or meditation that can be helpful, but differing interpretations, attitudes, viewpoints, abound. It’s important to ask the Spirit to guide us to one that resonates with us. So, to satisfy my restless heart, the urge for God that I believe is innate to Man, part of our very will to live, I must turn “my” life over to God. But really, how can I say it is “mine” in the first place? I did not create myself, I cannot even draw a single breathe without relying on this mysterious life force within me. This entity I call my “self” exists within “my” body, but is somehow apart from it, therefore not necessarily connected to “reality.” Is anything really mine? I say it is all gift, a gift from God we truly do not know or understand, much less “own.” Modern science has done a great job of explaining the mechanics of our body and even parts of our mind, but cannot touch the reason or the power that originated and sustains life even at simple levels, let alone Man. Some physicists are now saying the basic nature of “reality”, in micro or in macro, may be beyond our capability to fully comprehend. So seek out all kinds of knowledge and wisdom, but know that our life is not our own. Live the Purpose, submit to the Will, humbly receive the Power.
My words are so inadequate. The Word, the Faith, is everything, is “all in all.”
This I believe.
We Love By His Life
by Jon Walker
“I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20, NLT)
When Jesus commands us to do something, he knows we cannot do it unless we are empowered by him – and so he joins his life with the Holy Spirit within us. Thus, “Christ lives in me.”
This new life within will take us where thoughts or feelings never will; it will enable us more than information or willpower ever can. We receive the love and life of Jesus, and he says, “Go and do the same.” As awesome and costly and everlasting as the Gospel is, it’s also this simple: We are transformed by the life of Christ released within us, and now we’re to show and tell others how Christ can live in them.
And isn’t it true that for a while this seems to be the easiest and most natural thing we’ve ever done? We get love from Jesus, and then we turn around and give it away to others.
But then, after a while, we find it more and more difficult. Old habits return. Memories come back, and the emotions attached to them emerge in ways that cause us to stumble or feel defeated.
No matter how hard we try, some days sheer willpower isn’t enough to be the new creation that God says we are. And so we try harder, and things just get worse.
But God is relentless in his command to “love each other in the same way that I have loved you” – personal and up-close, meeting needs of undeserving others, not attacking their faults. This is God driving us away from the self-generated, “try harder” love into his love that is freely given. This is where the Spirit of Love - himself - is able to teach us, “Not I, but Christ.”
We begin to see it is no longer “just I” doing the loving – that would be life under the Law. Success would bring self-commendation; failure would produce self-condemnation.
We learn to say in faith: “I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20, NLT)
What now?
· Personal love – Since God’s love is personal, it must be personalized as us. God’s love becomes personal and meaningful to others when we allow God to touch them through us.
· See the need; don’t criticize it – Oswald Chambers said in My Utmost for His Highest, “God never allows us to see another person at fault so we may criticize them, but only that we might intercede.” Intercessors do not ignore or deny fault or sin; they address the needs behind the faults and the sins. We love one another as God loves us when we come to others not to just take swings, but with prayerful, godly solutions.
[From “The Purpose Driven Life Newsletter, by Jon Walker]
Elder’s Meditation “Hollow bones”
"We are called hollow bones for our people and for anyone else we can help, and we are not supposed to seek power for our personal use and honor."
--Fools Crow, LAKOTA
In order for us to use our power well, we must become a hollow bone. We must prepare ourselves to become a channel. Our channel must be clean before we can use our power well. We must be free of resentments, guilt, shame, anger, self-pity and fear. If these things are in us, we cannot be hollow bones. These things block us from our power. The cleaner we are, the more power we move. We must become a hollow bone so the Creator can use us to do what he wants us to do.
My Creator, remove from me today all resentment, anger, fear, guilt and selfishness. Do not let my weaknesses stand in the way of my usefulness to You. Make me a hollow bone so Your power can flow through me.
Elder’s Meditation “Ownership”
Things will come and things will go. Really, I own nothing, the Creator owns all. Too often I label things as mine. I say this belongs to me, but it really belongs to the Creator. He gives me things to take care of. I need to do the best I can with what I have, with what I know at the time. And when the Creator changes things, I need to let go for His planning is the best.
Oh Great Spirit, today let me do the best I can with what I know, with what I have. Let me experience acceptance of Your will.
[From WhiteBison.org Daily Meditations]
“…He notices everything as he walks, the good work that someone, careless or unfortunate, has let fall on the ground… he goes about his work, putting together or putting back together… knowing that when he was young, the bow, the spear, the knife, the pipe, taught him balance, order and control, but that he no longer needs these things…” (Lakota Sioux)
From “Hanta Yo”, by Ruth Beebe Hill
Col 3-8-17
8 But now you must put them all away: anger, fury, malice, slander, and obscene language out of your mouths. 9 And stop lying to one another, since you have taken off the old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed, for knowledge, in the image of its creator. 11 Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcision and uncircumcision, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free {no divisions, class structure, discrimination, bigotry, self-centeredness}; but Christ is all and in all. 12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. 14 And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. 15 And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, as in all wisdom and insight you teach and admonish one another, singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.
17 And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Eph3-14-21
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with might through his Spirit in the inner man, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have power to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him, who by the power at work within us is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, for ever and ever. Amen.
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