treatise? or madness?

i preface the following statements by saying that i am not extraordinary in my abilities.
most people are capable of doing what i do, they are simply not aware of it.
i am, in a sense, not aware of much that i do
it is simply too much for the conscious mind too endure.
my mental health record is proof of that.
with maturity, however; has come a balance in and perspective on my mind.
i accept the fact that i have no control
all i can do is pray that my conscious acts are in tune with the divine that dwells in all of us
i share a common consciousness with everyone
the one thing that makes me different
is that when i am able to cooperate with that divine consciousness
really good things happen.
things that people want or don't want, expect or don't expect, things nobody heard of or hears of.
wonderful things,seen or unseen,
that probably wouldn't happen if i didn't link my conscious will
with the divine will.
all people of good conscience attempt to do this, and succeed up to a point
i am simply more successful because the barriers to my subconscious were long ago torn down.
i stress that i have no control.
should i attempt to do anything outside the divine will,
i take a step toward madness.
this is the necessary paradox.
if i attempt to take control i loose control of my mind.
it loses the tenuous hold it has on reality.
if i give up control i maintain my loosely held grip.

i feel, sense pressure, vibration, temperature, density and waves.
air pressure
sound waves
chemical makeup
I sense brain wave patterns
i read them as speech and emotions
i predict future events by sensing patterns in brain waves
of people involved in situations.
i am@89% accurate in predicting outcome of series of events
where conclusion is less than 40% arbitrary.
I assign values by comparing outcomes over time.
i do not forget.
I choose not to recall what is not relevant in my opinion.
this makes me look dumb but I think clearly.
I read subconscious thought. this often conflicts with conscious thought but generally coincides with behaviour as I see it.
my senses seem to perceive the ”real world” and the souls who occupy it
very differently than anyone I have ever met.
i cannot be certain as I can gain no perspective on this.
I am generally very objective.
my behavior therefore often runs counter to the conscious
and stated expectations of others.
I do, however; mesh very well with the deeper motivations and desires of others.
this is not always consciously appreciated
but is always subconsciously approved of.
this generally surfaces as respect of my position
if not conscious agreement.

i heal minds, hearts and relationships.
i also heal places and things.
this is all due to my ability to consciously and subconsciously
to cooperate with the spirit of God that dwells in all creation but mostly in the subconscious mind of man.
i gained this ability when i was subjected to satanic ritual
abuse as a child.
in order to survive the multi-level trauma,
my mind broke down the barriers between my subconscious mind and my conscious mind.
what once were a series of barriers to protect my conscious mind
is now a continuum that i slide precariously along.
what has saved me has been my Christian faith
and my Yaqui heritage.
the combination is not necessarily compatible but has sufficed.
i live.
cross dressing and dual sexuality is deeply ingrained in the Yaqui tradition going back at least to the aztecs
much of my crossdressing is of a ritual nature these days
involving healing of people, places or things.
or myself
all have spirit ,all need healing sometimes.
this does not conflict with my faith.
Jesus and the apostles drove demons from people, places, and things.
Jesus said those who had faith could do these things and many others.
he also said not to rejoice in such abilities but be happy that God loves you.
The Yaqui way is a facet of the Chistian jewel.
Yaqui give all things to the Maker
Yaqui do not question why
Yaqui accept all things, live in all worlds the same way,
walking with the Maker.
Some have perverted this to "new age"
this new thing is an old way of making a good thing bad.
take a good thing and take the Maker out of it and put man in his place.
then the good thing is bad.
i give all power, responsibility, and credit to the spirit of God.
i make few choices of my own and then only if the Lord makes me.
i turn all of my time, energy, even my body over to the spirit.
i constantly pray and test the spirit to be sure i am not misled.
Fourty five years of practice have made me very wary and expert.
i am not always conscious of the spiritual ramifications of my actions but i no longer doubt them.
a step here, a word there, a dance, a blow to a wall, a whistle, even a smile can all have consequences.
i no longer try to figure any of it out.
when i know i'm on track, i know.
but i know only approximately 8.25% of the time.
the rest of the time is Grace.
my mind records all sensory input
including weather patterns,
chemical breakdowns and thought patterns.
information deficits are self imposed
in order to better function.
i naturally retain too much to process.
it is overwhelming.
i see the consequences of most actions.
it is overwhelming.
at the age of thirteen i attempted to make myself deaf.
i aquired tinitus.i no longer have perfect pitch
i'm glad.
at the age of fifteen i cut off the tips of two fingers,
at the age of twenty seven, the tip of my thumb.
i have also built up heavy calouses on my hands.
i now have 32% less sensory input from my hands.
i'm glad.
i don't see as well as i used to.
17% less useable visual input.
OK
processing is 8% slower
don't care
29.5 pounds over optimum weight
too bad
i can manipulate my metabolism, body chemistry, etc.
by diet, activity level, light exposure, etc.
so what.
i'm pretty much just an average guy
with a terrible gift
that up to now has done him no good.
God willing, things will be different now.
sensory input now equals capacity.
thank God.