Just for today I will live consciously aware of God in the moment, each moment, by living each moment in the present time and place and situation.
Living in an abusive climate for so long, thirteen years in fact, and seventeen more in my mind has taught me to escape the moment, the present. I no longer need to do so. Led astray by misplaced devotion and a massively overblown sense of responsibility; my momentary madnesses have damaged me. They flung me against the gates of a false heaven, again and again, leaving me in a shattered heap, thinking I had come too close to God. The one, true God, gently, slowly, lifted me, carried me, reassembled me. He let me know, somehow, that He had been with me always, closer than my own skin. He was that quiet place that my mind swirled around, always there but overlooked in my superhuman efforts to save the souls of my Sirens (first wife, my middle age mistress, and nearly every woman I ever “knew”). He asked me to devote myself to Him, I had o’erstepped my bounds. He would deal with them. “What about my second wife, the Innocent?” I asked. She is bulletproof now, as you know, He said, and not quite so innocent as you think. You tried to rescue her, too, and she let you, though she knew very well she needed no rescuing, then she let you down. “I hurt her.” Yes, and you have paid your penance three times over. I forgave you years ago.
God lives in the eternal now, and I will try to do so, so as not to feel separated from him, though "He is not far from any of us." In truth, He dwells within us all and about us all, Father, Son, and Spirit, holy and mysterious Trinity, always and everywhere, infinite and intimate.
“I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me.”
Show me the Way, Lord Jesus, for you are The Way.
Teach me the Truth, Lord Jesus, for are The Truth.
Grant me your very self, Lord Jesus, for you are The Life.
Christ “is in all and is all.” The center of time and space and life, the Father’s creative Word, made flesh. He lived in a normal human body, “Like us in all things save sin,” yet still God, thereby sanctifying, spiritualizing humanity. This body dwelt on the earth, in creation, was buried in the earth, thereby sanctifying, spiritualizing the earth and all creation. He rose from the dead, His humanity risen and divinified and His divinity humanized. There is none other who has done so, He is the one and only God, second person of the Trinity. The center of creation, He accepts all who accept Him, His Spirit, the Spirit of Truth. All those who know the way, the truth and the life come to the Father. Who on earth can define the limits of Christ, contain the Spirit, know the depths of the Father? All humanity is “made in the image and likeness of God.” Can anyone truly say who Christ accepts and who He rejects? Such distinctions are for earthly institutions to debate, man-made factions with small gods. Christ, risen humanity, human divinity, has been “lifted up” and “will draw all people to” Himself, and through Himself to the Father, to perfect, eternal, love, peace, joy…
Father, Son, Spirit, grant that I may always and everywhere choose You, to follow You, to listen to You, to rely on You, to be in You. Keep me, Lord, from other places, small gods, other things. May I forever live in your will.
Father, please grant me to know your will, I beg of you, let me know your will, for I have no will of my own that I can trust.
“Let it be done to me according to your word.”
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Boy
His every movement is tender joy
his every sound light and new
his entire body is round,soft love.
The little boy was here again today
with his jelly toast face and big blue eyes
and curly little blond head.
He stood at the end of the hallway,
his eighteen-month-old body bent slightly at the waist
and turned towards me with a ten-toothed grin
that crinkled up those incredibly open eyes.
His little arm came up, the forearm verticle,
his perfect little hand waving a profile of a wave,
only the flawless miniature fingers moving.
Quietly he turns away, still grinning.
He walks, then trots on his sturdy, little perfect legs,
tottering a little but oh, so confident,
to his oh, so pregnant mom down the hall.
He grins up at her, his magic key to the world.
She sighs, immune to his charm in her state,
ands turns back to the laundry.
He helps her, of course,
until she looks at him and sighs out his name.
He turns with a giggle and trots back down the hall.
Head up, arms flying, knees pumping,
‘til he rumbles to a stop in front of my spot on the couch.
He pauses for a moment, assessing the situation.
The perfect little arm comes up again into wave position
and his fingers move, deliberately, individually, up and down,
the smile lights up and he’s off again, silently.
He disappears ‘round the rocking chair and into the kitchen.
I listen carefully for a few moments then call out his name.
Soon I see the little blonde head
moving slowly ‘round the rocking chair.
His steps are small, casual, but searching for intent,
ready to go in any interesting direction.
His eyes search the room,
calm but filled with anticipation
of finding something fun to do.
He spots his coat lying on the rocker ottoman.
The eyes light up a little and he grabs it,
purposefully with both hands,
turns carefully and trotts away.
I hear the loud little footsteps
cross the kitchen floor then stop.
I imagine him carefully feeling with his foot
the little step up from linoleum to dining room carpet
where he tripped and fell many weeks ago
when he was not so very accomplished at walking.
I waited for a minute or two, I knew what he was doing,
our outside boy.
I got up and walked across the living room floor,
around the rocker to where I could see him,
standing there with his coat in one hand,
dragging the floor, and his other hand
pressed to the edge of the door
where it opens upto the outside world.
“Going outside by yourself there, Boy?”
He turns, grins, then turns serious
as he quickly raises his arm in an arc just above his shoulder,
one of those fingers extended, pointing at the door, at the outside.
“Unk!” He says emphatically and quickly drops his arm.
“Unk”is his only word.
It usually means “doggie”
but sometimes means “outside where the doggie lives”
The “unk” barks on cue
and the boy again points, “Unk!!”
He grabs his coat with both hands
and brings it up over his head,
as far as his short-armed,
little boy torso would allow,
and pulled it down across his head and shoulders,
poking one arm in the air as he did so.
He looked down at it a little puzzled.
“Need a little help there Buddy?”
I took his coat from him, turned it ‘round,
and held it out so he could get into it.
He turned and shuffled sideways
in tiny little careful steps with his arm held out,
staring intently at the arm hole.
I move the coat just a little
and pulled it on.
He turned his head to try and look over his shoulder
as his arm curled back and those fingers moved
in the direction of the other arm.
With just a little help the coat was on
and our out side boy turned once again toward the door
but not before he flashed a big, excited grin.
I could see those loose blonde curls
on the back of his perfectly shaped head.
“So, you want to go outside Andrew?”
He turned his face toward me,
very serious, and then back to the door
with his hand pressing at the edge,
the little fingers working,
his tiny fingernails scratching the surface.
I repeated my question and waited.
He stubbornly, quietly persisted.
The dog barked.
“Unk!!!”
Those incredible eyes sparkled upon me,
Entranced, I opened the door.
his every sound light and new
his entire body is round,soft love.
The little boy was here again today
with his jelly toast face and big blue eyes
and curly little blond head.
He stood at the end of the hallway,
his eighteen-month-old body bent slightly at the waist
and turned towards me with a ten-toothed grin
that crinkled up those incredibly open eyes.
His little arm came up, the forearm verticle,
his perfect little hand waving a profile of a wave,
only the flawless miniature fingers moving.
Quietly he turns away, still grinning.
He walks, then trots on his sturdy, little perfect legs,
tottering a little but oh, so confident,
to his oh, so pregnant mom down the hall.
He grins up at her, his magic key to the world.
She sighs, immune to his charm in her state,
ands turns back to the laundry.
He helps her, of course,
until she looks at him and sighs out his name.
He turns with a giggle and trots back down the hall.
Head up, arms flying, knees pumping,
‘til he rumbles to a stop in front of my spot on the couch.
He pauses for a moment, assessing the situation.
The perfect little arm comes up again into wave position
and his fingers move, deliberately, individually, up and down,
the smile lights up and he’s off again, silently.
He disappears ‘round the rocking chair and into the kitchen.
I listen carefully for a few moments then call out his name.
Soon I see the little blonde head
moving slowly ‘round the rocking chair.
His steps are small, casual, but searching for intent,
ready to go in any interesting direction.
His eyes search the room,
calm but filled with anticipation
of finding something fun to do.
He spots his coat lying on the rocker ottoman.
The eyes light up a little and he grabs it,
purposefully with both hands,
turns carefully and trotts away.
I hear the loud little footsteps
cross the kitchen floor then stop.
I imagine him carefully feeling with his foot
the little step up from linoleum to dining room carpet
where he tripped and fell many weeks ago
when he was not so very accomplished at walking.
I waited for a minute or two, I knew what he was doing,
our outside boy.
I got up and walked across the living room floor,
around the rocker to where I could see him,
standing there with his coat in one hand,
dragging the floor, and his other hand
pressed to the edge of the door
where it opens upto the outside world.
“Going outside by yourself there, Boy?”
He turns, grins, then turns serious
as he quickly raises his arm in an arc just above his shoulder,
one of those fingers extended, pointing at the door, at the outside.
“Unk!” He says emphatically and quickly drops his arm.
“Unk”is his only word.
It usually means “doggie”
but sometimes means “outside where the doggie lives”
The “unk” barks on cue
and the boy again points, “Unk!!”
He grabs his coat with both hands
and brings it up over his head,
as far as his short-armed,
little boy torso would allow,
and pulled it down across his head and shoulders,
poking one arm in the air as he did so.
He looked down at it a little puzzled.
“Need a little help there Buddy?”
I took his coat from him, turned it ‘round,
and held it out so he could get into it.
He turned and shuffled sideways
in tiny little careful steps with his arm held out,
staring intently at the arm hole.
I move the coat just a little
and pulled it on.
He turned his head to try and look over his shoulder
as his arm curled back and those fingers moved
in the direction of the other arm.
With just a little help the coat was on
and our out side boy turned once again toward the door
but not before he flashed a big, excited grin.
I could see those loose blonde curls
on the back of his perfectly shaped head.
“So, you want to go outside Andrew?”
He turned his face toward me,
very serious, and then back to the door
with his hand pressing at the edge,
the little fingers working,
his tiny fingernails scratching the surface.
I repeated my question and waited.
He stubbornly, quietly persisted.
The dog barked.
“Unk!!!”
Those incredible eyes sparkled upon me,
Entranced, I opened the door.
Phil. 4:4-8
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! (Yes, rejoice in good times and bad for all things must pass but the Lord remains and He is nearer than your very skin as He dwells within you if you but open your heart. In deepest darkest night, when despair is clutching you, remember this will pass for the Word Made Flesh is incarnate in you and somewhere the sun shines bright and it will soon shine on you. God is with us! God is for us! God loves us!) 5 Your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. ("Though He is not far from any of us") 6 Have no anxiety at all ("Be not afraid", "do not worry", the most oft repeated theme of the Bible and one of the cornerstones of Jesus' teachings, God is with us, there is nothing we need fear) but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God (trust completely in Him). 7 Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Peace, divine peace, peace beyond all logic, reason, peace when it cannot be understood how one can be peaceful) 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Think of good friends, kind hearts, noble deeds, autumn sunsets, rainbows, any beloved person place or thing, and think of Jesus Christ. "The word was made flesh and made his dwelling among us" God incarnate is present to us, all things, all people, all creation is infused with the living Son of God and with His Spirit that He has sent to us. Contemplate any good in all creation and you contemplate God. To be alive is good, even in the darkest despair it is an honor to live, to be in the likeness of God. And as sure as the sun has set, it will rise again, so hold on during the dark night, for somewhere hearts are joyous and somewhere, someone is thinking of you.)
John 6 44-59
JN 44-59
Jesus said to the crowds:
“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draw him,
and I will raise him on the last day.
It is written in the prophets:
“They shall all be taught by God.”
Everyone who listens to my Father and learns from him comes to me.
Not that anyone has seen the Father
except the one who is from God;
he has seen the Father.
Amen, amen, I say to you,
whoever believes has eternal life.
I am the bread of life.
Your ancestors ate the manna in the desert, but they died;
this is the bread that comes down from heaven
so that one may eat it and not die.
I am the living bread that came down from heaven;
whoever eats this bread will live forever;
and the bread that I will give
is my Flesh for the life of the world.”
The Jews quarreled among themselves, saying,
“How can this man give us his Flesh to eat?” Jesus said to them,
“Amen, amen, I say to you,
unless you eat the Flesh of the Son of Man and drink his Blood,
you do not have life within you.
Whoever eats my Flesh and drinks my Blood
has eternal life,
and I will raise him on the last day.
For my Flesh is true food,
and my Blood is true drink.
Whoever eats my Flesh and drinks my Blood
remains in me and I in him.
Just as the living Father sent me
and I have life because of the Father,
so also the one who feeds on me will have life because of me.
This is the bread that came down from heaven.
Unlike your ancestors who ate and still died,
whoever eats this bread will live forever.”
These things he said while teaching in the
synagogue in Capernaum.
The Father has given his Son everything.
And He has given his Son to us.
“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us and we saw his glory, the glory as of the Father’s only Son, full of grace and truth.”
Perfect man and perfect God, He brought the kingdom of God to earth, showed and taught man how to live. how to love, showed man the truth about God.
We rejected him because sin had power over us, though we thought we were in power. He came to announce power means nothing, money means nothing, all our knowledge comes to nothing, love means everything and little children are the wisest of us all.
We killed him to hold on to our power, sin killed him, as was God’s plan. Christ received all sin, drew all the power of sin to himself, and died, taking sin with him into death.
God bled, His blood was poured out into the world; forever sanctifying it, His flesh was sealed in the tomb, in the earth, dead. Totally given over to the power of sin and death and men and the world.
But he rose out of the earth by the power of the Godhead. A new Creation, risen Flesh and Blood, risen Word.
“On the night he was betrayed (Catholic liturgy)” and in the synagogue at Capernaum He commanded us to eat his flesh, his body and drink his blood in remembrance, to make ever present the reality of his sacrifice, and we read his Word, we read Him also to make him ever present. To feed us, our hearts, minds souls, spirits and our blessed bodies as well.
He rose to become divinity and risen humanity in one, sanctifying us and all creation, taking away sin, we need only let it go, love Him and we will be like him one day, risen humanity.
He is God personified, incarnated, and man divinified,, risen from the dead and immortal.
He is ALL. All mankind, all creation, all knowledge and all the Father is in Christ. “The Father is in me and I am in the Father.”
And Christ is the Father’s gift to us, for us, in us,
The perfect gift from the Father, the full revelation and presentation of the Godhead, and the full recreation of humanity, through the risen humanity and personified divinity of Christ, mankind has, by loving Christ, complete and utter communion with God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, though we see as in a glass darkly now, “What we will be is not known, only that we will be like Him.(1John)”
“The bread that I will give is my Flesh for the life of the world.” The world. Not just Christians or believers or men; the world, all creation, all life is recreated by the incarnation of Christ. The central point of all time, all space, all creation, is Christ Jesus our Lord, All those made in the image of God are beckoned by the Father to come to Christ.
Yes, that would be you, every last one of you. Let no one exclude you. The Father draws everyone to the Son, in many and various ways, for He is God and nothing is impossible for Him, his ways are not our ways and no one, no denomination, church, religion, culture, nation can contain all the ways of God. No matter what you conceive God to be, He is greater, more loving, more powerful than you believe. It is called infinite.
They thought him mad. They said he had a demon, same thing.
All the war and persecution and hypocricy and games of power and manipulation and murder and greed and every evil thing done in his name, this is madness. The man/God who taught radical love and radical peace and loved children so much, He forgives, but he weeps.
Jesus said to the crowds:
“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draw him,
and I will raise him on the last day.
It is written in the prophets:
“They shall all be taught by God.”
Everyone who listens to my Father and learns from him comes to me.
Not that anyone has seen the Father
except the one who is from God;
he has seen the Father.
Amen, amen, I say to you,
whoever believes has eternal life.
I am the bread of life.
Your ancestors ate the manna in the desert, but they died;
this is the bread that comes down from heaven
so that one may eat it and not die.
I am the living bread that came down from heaven;
whoever eats this bread will live forever;
and the bread that I will give
is my Flesh for the life of the world.”
The Jews quarreled among themselves, saying,
“How can this man give us his Flesh to eat?” Jesus said to them,
“Amen, amen, I say to you,
unless you eat the Flesh of the Son of Man and drink his Blood,
you do not have life within you.
Whoever eats my Flesh and drinks my Blood
has eternal life,
and I will raise him on the last day.
For my Flesh is true food,
and my Blood is true drink.
Whoever eats my Flesh and drinks my Blood
remains in me and I in him.
Just as the living Father sent me
and I have life because of the Father,
so also the one who feeds on me will have life because of me.
This is the bread that came down from heaven.
Unlike your ancestors who ate and still died,
whoever eats this bread will live forever.”
These things he said while teaching in the
synagogue in Capernaum.
The Father has given his Son everything.
And He has given his Son to us.
“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us and we saw his glory, the glory as of the Father’s only Son, full of grace and truth.”
Perfect man and perfect God, He brought the kingdom of God to earth, showed and taught man how to live. how to love, showed man the truth about God.
We rejected him because sin had power over us, though we thought we were in power. He came to announce power means nothing, money means nothing, all our knowledge comes to nothing, love means everything and little children are the wisest of us all.
We killed him to hold on to our power, sin killed him, as was God’s plan. Christ received all sin, drew all the power of sin to himself, and died, taking sin with him into death.
God bled, His blood was poured out into the world; forever sanctifying it, His flesh was sealed in the tomb, in the earth, dead. Totally given over to the power of sin and death and men and the world.
But he rose out of the earth by the power of the Godhead. A new Creation, risen Flesh and Blood, risen Word.
“On the night he was betrayed (Catholic liturgy)” and in the synagogue at Capernaum He commanded us to eat his flesh, his body and drink his blood in remembrance, to make ever present the reality of his sacrifice, and we read his Word, we read Him also to make him ever present. To feed us, our hearts, minds souls, spirits and our blessed bodies as well.
He rose to become divinity and risen humanity in one, sanctifying us and all creation, taking away sin, we need only let it go, love Him and we will be like him one day, risen humanity.
He is God personified, incarnated, and man divinified,, risen from the dead and immortal.
He is ALL. All mankind, all creation, all knowledge and all the Father is in Christ. “The Father is in me and I am in the Father.”
And Christ is the Father’s gift to us, for us, in us,
The perfect gift from the Father, the full revelation and presentation of the Godhead, and the full recreation of humanity, through the risen humanity and personified divinity of Christ, mankind has, by loving Christ, complete and utter communion with God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, though we see as in a glass darkly now, “What we will be is not known, only that we will be like Him.(1John)”
“The bread that I will give is my Flesh for the life of the world.” The world. Not just Christians or believers or men; the world, all creation, all life is recreated by the incarnation of Christ. The central point of all time, all space, all creation, is Christ Jesus our Lord, All those made in the image of God are beckoned by the Father to come to Christ.
Yes, that would be you, every last one of you. Let no one exclude you. The Father draws everyone to the Son, in many and various ways, for He is God and nothing is impossible for Him, his ways are not our ways and no one, no denomination, church, religion, culture, nation can contain all the ways of God. No matter what you conceive God to be, He is greater, more loving, more powerful than you believe. It is called infinite.
They thought him mad. They said he had a demon, same thing.
All the war and persecution and hypocricy and games of power and manipulation and murder and greed and every evil thing done in his name, this is madness. The man/God who taught radical love and radical peace and loved children so much, He forgives, but he weeps.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Latchbolt
Latch Bolt
I’ve never been able,
try as I might,
to give myself completely
to anything
or anyone.
As though I was not all there
to give.
Perhaps I have left part of myself behind
in a box on a shelf
or by the side of a road
or locked in a small room
somewhere
with the latch bolt
on the other side of the door,
too high for me to reach,
even if I
was on the other side.
Too.
I just turned seven and
I’m really scared.
He strode in smiling,
his head jutting forward
and his hand on his belt.
I hear the latch bolt.
I cry before he touches me
and I run.
He’s behind me and I’m really scared.
I can go nowhere
but under the bed.
He drags me out and no one hears me.
I cry.
Hands on the bed.
Is what I’m feeling really real?
Am I just pretending to be so scared?
Does it really hurt so much
or am I just bein’ a wimp?
Why am I praying to die?
Is it really that bad?
This hasn’t happened before, has it?
Am I even still here?
What’s happening down there?
I not still crying, am I?
I’m not alone, there’s somebody here
with me.
Somebody I like.
Somebody wonderful
and familiar.
We look down on me and cry a little
then we float out into the evening sky.
I wake up in a different room.
Someone’s shaking me.
I’m clean, and sore
and I walk home
I’ve never been able,
try as I might,
to give myself completely
to anything
or anyone.
As though I was not all there
to give.
Perhaps I have left part of myself behind
in a box on a shelf
or by the side of a road
or locked in a small room
somewhere
with the latch bolt
on the other side of the door,
too high for me to reach,
even if I
was on the other side.
Too.
I just turned seven and
I’m really scared.
He strode in smiling,
his head jutting forward
and his hand on his belt.
I hear the latch bolt.
I cry before he touches me
and I run.
He’s behind me and I’m really scared.
I can go nowhere
but under the bed.
He drags me out and no one hears me.
I cry.
Hands on the bed.
Is what I’m feeling really real?
Am I just pretending to be so scared?
Does it really hurt so much
or am I just bein’ a wimp?
Why am I praying to die?
Is it really that bad?
This hasn’t happened before, has it?
Am I even still here?
What’s happening down there?
I not still crying, am I?
I’m not alone, there’s somebody here
with me.
Somebody I like.
Somebody wonderful
and familiar.
We look down on me and cry a little
then we float out into the evening sky.
I wake up in a different room.
Someone’s shaking me.
I’m clean, and sore
and I walk home
Once Too
Once Too
(Butterfly Fields Two)
Once was a Good man
growing up and out of a boy,
but he was different, silly,
dumb, weird.
(or so he was told).
“That’s not good”, he thought
(or heard),
“I must be like everyone else,
‘else they won’t like me”.
So Good left for Like
and Peace went with him
and left unrest and doubt,
and an empty shell of a boy
who once was Good.
And he says: How do I know what they all really want
or like or need anyway?
How do I please them
when I can’t please myself?
I’m empty inside and I can’t get filled up
by all those people out there.
They have little to give
and even their best doesn’t last
and I end up empty again.
Broken promises and butterflies,
regrets and fears and empty spaces
are all I see inside.
I’ve heard that peace of mind is hard to find
and it doesn’t seem to come
from anywhere I’ve ever looked
or from anyone I’ve known.
I’ve heard it comes from deep inside
but when I look there all I find
are broken promises to myself
and a field of butterflies.
(Butterfly Fields Two)
Once was a Good man
growing up and out of a boy,
but he was different, silly,
dumb, weird.
(or so he was told).
“That’s not good”, he thought
(or heard),
“I must be like everyone else,
‘else they won’t like me”.
So Good left for Like
and Peace went with him
and left unrest and doubt,
and an empty shell of a boy
who once was Good.
And he says: How do I know what they all really want
or like or need anyway?
How do I please them
when I can’t please myself?
I’m empty inside and I can’t get filled up
by all those people out there.
They have little to give
and even their best doesn’t last
and I end up empty again.
Broken promises and butterflies,
regrets and fears and empty spaces
are all I see inside.
I’ve heard that peace of mind is hard to find
and it doesn’t seem to come
from anywhere I’ve ever looked
or from anyone I’ve known.
I’ve heard it comes from deep inside
but when I look there all I find
are broken promises to myself
and a field of butterflies.
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