Still

Trust is gone,
the only thing that relieves the fear
is anger, and that only lasts so long.

I could hardly trust myself to breath, my heart to beat.
life became fear of movement,
and movement the only thing i could do.
Life became fear of forward motion,
of time, especially time.
For any forward motion brings risk
and risk is terror without trust.
Deliberate movement became an antidote,
dance became therapy,
anger became a release.
Planning was beyond comprehension
as it takes faith in the future.
Organization was difficult in that
it took trust in myself,
in my decision making.
Decision making was fine for the immediate, physical,
nearly anything immediately physical was OK.
But anything requiring trust in the future
was futile.
And there was the constant fear
of the movement of time
and of the present.
Fear of now and all its possibilities

Trust in me
Says my God.
How can I when I fear every passing moment?
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still, but I can hardly stand to sit
Let alone be still.
Be not afraid
I am with you.
Really?
I am with you always, until the end of the age.
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.
Every hair on your head is counted.
Be still and know that I am God.
I have loved you with an everlasting love
I have formed you and you are mine.
Sorry, I just can’t, I gotta go,
Somewhere, anywhere,
I just have to keep moving.
I am with you
OK, then come on.
We can talk on the way to… somewhere.
Be still…
OK, I’ll try to be still in my head but I got to keep moving.
Bless the Lord, Oh my soul.
Yeah, I really like that one.
Do not forget all the gifts of God,
OK, like be still, and think about the good stuff.

So I had my deliberate motion
in walking through the snow in the dark.
It took a while but I noticed,
It was beautiful.
So quiet, just the crunch of my feet on the snow,
So still, just a few snowflakes gently drifting down.
Somehow I had shut out the cars going by on the street.
With my hood up and my head down I couldn’t see them.
I noticed my breathing, fast and shallow, like I was scared.
My heart, too, beating fast.
Ok, lets be still.
Slow everything down.
Relax, body, slow down, heart, feet.
I stopped, took a deep breath,
And looked up.
The big white snow flakes drifted down
past my eyes through the blue black sky.
They seemed to come from nothing, out of nowhere.
They appeared and fell all around me,
Slowly, continually, gently.
I am with you.
A flake landed on my cheek.
Like a tear.
Angry?
No.

Trust in Me.