Obssession

Somehow I gotta make it ok,
some way.
If I can just think it out,
figure a way
I can do it and make it work out.
So I don’t have to lie,
don’t have to steal,
don’t have to hide
myself.
How can I do it without the guilt,
the shame?
Without hurting anybody.
I can plan it, manage it,
make a place in my life for it.
A nice, neat compartment
I can walk right into,
do it,
and walk right out.
But it won’t fit and neither will I.
It gets ugly and spills out
into my world
and gets on my shoe
and in my face
and into my world
and I can’t keep it in any more.
Help.
I’m walkin’, runnin’, drivin’ around,
bursting at the seams.
No satisfaction, no pride, no peace.
I love it, I hate it.
It smiles at me
but inside it hates me, too.
‘Cause it hurts me when I do what it says.
It says this will feel good, you’ll love it.
And it does and I do.
Oh Lord, but then it’s over.
Satisfaction is short
disgust is brief
but guilt and shame last forever.
It follows me out the door
and all over town
whispering in my ear-
Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha again.
Lord, why? Why does it feel so good
and treat me so bad.
It feels like it’s always been there.
It seems I dreamed about it when I was little.
Sometimes I kid myself you gave it to me.
A gift, something to get me through.
Why else can’t I help it?
Why else would it come bustin’ out of me
when I don’t give it no attention?
“It’s good to do it, express it.
It’s part of my inmost being”
Yeah, Right.
But damn, why does it feel so good?
For that little while
and why do I want to go back to it
when it only drags me down
and lets loose all my demons?
Every shameful thing
buried in my mind cellar flys out.
I told it not to let that stuff out.
All I want is it.
But noooo.
All this other shit comes flappin’ out, too.
Now, I just got to do it right.
Do it clean, do it gentle,
do it sweet, do it middle class lovely
and heart to heart.
And all the bad stuff will stay away
and I ‘ll have it all to my self.
and nobody will get hurt.
But somehow somebody always does,
or thats what they tell me.
Funny, that the one thing
that seems to make the hurt go away for a while
is the one thing that everybody says I shouldn’t do.
Frankly, I’m not entirely convinced it hurts me,
but I’m now fully aware it hurts those who love me,
and bothers the hell out of everyone else.
Directly or indirectly, eventually someone gets hurt.
That makes it my responsibility to do damage control,
which means I just don’t do it.
Because my God says quite simply,
do not do things that hurt other people.
There is no way out of this one.
You do it, someone gets hurt,
so you don’t do it.
Even if you think its your destiny,
or a blessing in disguise
even if its the only thing you seem to live for sometimes,
the only thing that makes that ache in your heart go away,
you don’t do it
because it hurts other people.
and if you are really gonna be honest,
you know it hurts you, too
and the reason you say it doesn’t is
you just don’t give a damn if it hurts you,
but let me clue you, you are someone, too.
There are at least two someones getting hurt,
You, and the someone who cares about you.
And don’t give me that, “Nobody loves me” bullshit.
Nobody is so special that they have no one that cares,
everyone gets hung with somebody who cares, its a fact of life.
Now, this caring may or may not be real apparent or useful but
I guarantee there will be someone hurting if you fall.
And fall you will, unless you accept love, accept help,
forget about luck and fate and count on love and God.
Somebody is gonna love you whether you accept it or not,
might as well enjoy it.
And you know I don’t mean sex.
Two human beings caring for each other,
whatever gender they may be.
So close the closet door on your obsession,
lock it in and don’t look back.
Look for help instead,
station someone at the closet door to turn you away
when you come looking for sorrow to ease your pain.
Keep company with hardy folk,
or at least those who know you well enough,
to turn you round when needed.
Perhaps keep in mind how often you’ve failed.
so you won’t get yourself in too deep.
Safety is not always found in numbers,
our peers are sometimes incredibly dangerous,
and one is not always a lonely number.
Always have one phone number you can call
to get help when you’re in a jam.
And remember, if it hurts someone,
don’t do it.